The past several months have been a whirlwind of emotions—difficult, exciting, and filled with so much love.
Wes and I decided to start a family, and shortly after that, we found out we were pregnant! Along with the joy came all the challenges: constant (not just morning, but all day) sickness, cramps, insomnia, body changes—you name it. It was tough, but it was also deeply beautiful. Each week, I felt myself growing stronger, adjusting, and finding a “new” version of me through this experience.
Until we just weren’t pregnant anymore.
At 12 weeks, we lost our baby. Our little one’s heartbeat stopped, and with it came the heartbreaking reality of miscarriage. Pregnancy loss is like experiencing death within your own body, while still living. It’s an indescribable pain, one I hope you’ve never known. But if you have, my heart is with you.
What made this loss even more complex for me is the history I have with pulmonary embolism. Several years ago, I experienced pulmonary embolisms in both of my lungs, which led to a lengthy ICU stay. It was a terrifying, life-altering experience that has stuck with me. Because of that, my OB started me on daily Lovenox injections to help prevent blood clots throughout this pregnancy. However, these injections led to abnormal bleeding, and while my OB can’t say for sure, I can’t help but wonder if this played a role in the miscarriage.
Maybe it’s just me being Dr. Google, grasping for any explanation, trying to find some kind of answer that will make sense of this heartache. But who knows? The truth is, there are still so many unknowns. Perhaps it’s just my mind’s way of coping with something so painful.
We need to normalize sharing these experiences—not for attention, but to honor the fact that these babies existed, were loved fiercely, and mattered. I was pregnant. Our baby existed. And we will always carry that love.
My heart is shattered. The grief is heavy. But I hold onto my faith, even in anger and confusion. I may not understand God’s plan right now—and yes, it’s hard to say I even trust it—but I know there’s hope. I trust in His love, in the strength of my relationship with Wes, and in the promise of a beautiful future, whatever that looks like.
Add comment
Comments